Death of a Family Pet

Losing a Family Friend
"When you look closely at the things we value most in life...it is fidelity and love. Anyone who has owned a pet knows the unconditional nature of that fidelity and love. That is why the death of a family pet is significant and the grief profound. We hope that the following will help."

Richard Johnston, President, The Connecticut Humane Society

We grieve over the death of a pet. This reaction is only natural. Our feelings toward pets are so special that experts have a term for the relationship: the human companion animal bond. When this bond is severed, the sense of loss can be overwhelming.

Society does not offer a grieving pet owner a great deal of sympathy. Even a close friend may comment: "It's only a dog (cat). You can always get another." Such a reaction would be heartless given the loss of a human friend or family member, and it is generally recognized that a person who has experienced such a loss needs the support of friends and relatives. Psychologists now acknowledge that we need as much support - but get far less - with the loss of a companion animal.

Veterinarians realize that their final obligation to their pet patients also involves dealing with the pet owner's grief. This does not mean that veterinarians are trained as psychologists and psychiatrists. It does mean that the veterinary doctor, who knows you and your pet, also understands your natural feeling of loss - and is able to offer support. (If your veterinarian sometimes seems distant, bear in mind that the death of a pet is stressful even to professionals. Detachment is one way of coping.)

How We Feel
When a person dies, family, friends and relatives pay their respects at the family home or funeral parlor. At the funeral, sorrow and tears are accepted, even expected. Afterward, during a mourning period, friends and relativesassist and comfort grieving family members until their grief subsides and new routines develop.

When a pet dies, there is no such social ritual to formalize the grief. To many, a funeral for the family pet would seem eccentric and a formal period of mourning bizarre. Even the immediate family and intimate friends may not fully understand the loss.

Still, the loss of a pet affects our emotions, and all the more so if the pet was an integral part of the family. These feelings usually progress through several stages. Recognizing them can help us cope with the grief we feel.

The First Stage: Denial Denial is the initial response of many pet owners when confronted with a pet's terminal condition or sudden death. This rejection seems to be the mind's buffer against a sharp emotional blow.

The Second Stage: Bargaining This stage is well documented in the human grieving process. Many times, faced with impending death, an individual may "bargain" - offering some sacrifice if the loved one is spared. People losing a pet are less likely to bargain. Still, the hope that a pet might recover can foster reactions like, "If Rover recovers, I'll never skip his regular walk...never put him in a kennel when I go on vacation...never."

The Third Stage: Anger Recognizing anger in the grief process is seldom a problem; dealing with anger often is.

Anger can be obvious, as in hostility or aggression. On the other hand, anger often turns inward, emerging as guilt.

Many veterinarians have heard the classic anger response, "What happened? I thought you had everything under control and now you've killed my dog!" Another standard: "You never really cared about Rover. He was just another fee to you, and I'm the one who has lost my pet!"

Such outbursts help relieve immediate frustrations, though often at the expense of someone else.

More commonly, pet owners dwell on the past. The number of "If only..." regrets are endless:

"If only I hadn't left the dog at my sister's house..."
"If only I had taken Kitty to the veterinarian a week ago..."
Whether true or false, such recriminations and fears do little to relieve anger and are not constructive.

The Fourth Stage: Grief
This is the stage of true sadness. The pet is gone, along with the guilt and anger, and only an emptiness remains. It is now that the support of family and friends is most important - and, sadly, most difficult to find. A lack of support prolongs the grief stage. Therefore, the pet owner may want to seek some help from the pet's veterinarian or from a professional counselor. It is normal, and should be acceptable, to display grief when a companion animal dies. It is helpful, too, to recognize that other pet owners have experienced similar strong feelings, and that you are not alone in this feeling of grief.

Euthanasia: The Painful Choice
For a pet-lover, no decision is more difficult than authorizing euthanasia. Yet, this may be the right choice for your pet. Certainly, humane euthanasia procedures offer a clear advantage over an illness that prolongs the suffering of both pet and pet owner. An intravenous drug is used that does not cause any pain. The pet simply goes quietly to sleep as bodily functions stop. Veterinarians offer the euthanasia service.

The Proper Good-Bye
At some point, you are going to have to make final arrangements for your pet. Most veterinarians can either handle matters themselves or explain the choices available. There are several options:

Cemetery Burial
People have been burying their pets in a ritual fashion since Egyptian times. Today, there are pet cemeteries in virtually every populated area of the United States and Europe. Many are spacious, with safeguards against the land being used for other purposes and with funding to provide future groundskeeping.

The costs of cemetery burial vary, from around $200 for a simple burial to thousands of dollars for elaborate services. Many pet cemeteries will cooperate with veterinary clinics, sending a representative to handle details.

Communal Burial. This less costly option is offered by many pet cemeteries and some private humane organizations. Your pet's dignity is in no way affected by burial with other animals. Communal burial is a common choice.

Communal Cremation
In areas where land is expensive, communal cremation is another alternative. Some veterinary clinics even have their own crematoriums, as do many pet cemeteries and humane organizations. The fee is relatively modest, often less than $100.

Individual Cremation
Your veterinarian probably can arrange for individual cremation and advise you on environmental concerns over disposal of ashes. This option is more costly than communal cremation, with fees commonly ranging from $75 to $250.

Home Burial
It is not uncommon for pet owners to bury their pets somewhere on their own property; but you should check with your municipal government before making such arrangements. Typically, home burial is permitted in rural and suburban settings. A tight-fitting wooden box will help safeguard your pet's remains.

In Memoriam
One way to soften the impact of your pet's death is to make a donation in the animal's memory to a worthy animal-related cause. Humane organizations need financial support to care for countless homeless pets. Return to the top of this page.

If The Burden's Too Heavy
Veterinary colleges, in studying the human-companion animal bond, are increasing their efforts to help pet owners cope with lingering grief. Some of the colleges have social workers who are specially trained to counsel pet owners.


Among the most well known programs are those at:
M. Patricia Gallahger, M.S., M.S.
Professional Grief Counselor
Support Group Available
"Support for Pet Loss"
meets in Norwalk, Connecticut
Call for more information.

The Animal Medical Center
New York City •
The University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania •

University of California, School of Veterinary Medicine
Davis, California •

University of Minnesota School of Veterinary Medicine
Minneapolis, Minnesota •

Colorado State University School of Veterinary Medicine
Fort Collins, Colorado •

Washington State University
Pullman, Washington •


The Final Stage: Resolution
All things come to an end - even grieving. As time passes, the distress dissolves as the pet owner remembers the good times, not the pet's passing. And, for some, the answer lies in a new pet, a new companion animal to fulfill the need for a pet in the household.

If It Should Be...
If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this, the last battle, can't be won.
You will be sad - I understand.
Don't let your grief then stay your hand;
For this day, more the rest,
Your love and friendship pass the test.
We've had so many happy years
What is to come can hold no fears;
You'd not want me to suffer, so,
When the time comes, please let me go.
Take me where my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me to the end,
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.
Don't grieve that it should be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close, we two, these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.


Courtesy of: The Connecticut Humane Society